Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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