i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
