remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
