I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
