I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
