My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
