Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
