just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
