Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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