i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
