yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
