she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
