So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
