Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think my nap took me to another dimension
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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