remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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