apparently the secret to your success is patron
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
