stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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