Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
