Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
