...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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