Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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