my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why is there bacon in the couch?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
