i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
