Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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