but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
