I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
