Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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