Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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