I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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