apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
