The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
