Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
