I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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