the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
