Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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