then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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