Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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