U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he puts the penis in happiness.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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