great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
