How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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