You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
