i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
