Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
is it fun? or sober?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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