You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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