I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
