I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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