I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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