as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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