I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
