Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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