She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
